A FINAL GOODBYE
by Kaiser Falcon
Summary: The night before her 20th birthday Hermione Granger writes a letter...but to whom? Hermione has a secret which she has vown not to tell anybody


GOODBYE

They say you can't stop thinking about a person, it means that the other person is thinking about you as well. It can't be true, right?

I hate the facts that even after so many days, weeks, months, years, you still continue to affect me. Why do I feel that we are not done-yet? Why every time we move apart, we are somehow always thrown back together? Why every time I think about forgetting you and removing your existence from my life forever, I find you forcing your way back in?

But every time we get close, one of us backs out- pushes the other away. I hate this game we are being forced to play. I hate the fact that I cannot come to a conclusion about us. Why do I feel like we have some unfinished business, like some clearing out of matters, some decisions to be taken, some facts to be sorted out?

I don't know what do you think of me. I doubt whether you think of me at all. But every text from you, every phone call of yours- they still have the same effect on me. I still get broken when you claim to have a girlfriend like the days you said you were in love with Pansy and then Daphne. When you called me on the night of the final Farewell anniversary, I could almost tell you how much I missed you and hold you and tell you that I am sorry if I ever hurt you like I undoubtedly did many times. I know you hate me. And you only even consider talking to me because of my contacts and acquaintances. Otherwise you would not even bother about me.

I know you don't open Face book to simply stare at my name in the chat list as I stare at yours. I know you did not cry the way I did when I learnt that you were back with HER.

I will never hate her because she earned your respect, love and friendship and I was deemed worthy of none.

Most of the time I feel angry at myself for letting you affect me like this..I know I will never be able to tell you all of this. I will never know what you thought of me.

I can't even ask you because you don't want to talk to me.

I HATE YOU.

I HATE MYSELF.

I stopped myself from sending you any text when I realised that I was bothering you. But then a single text from you makes me lose all my self-respect and I run to you.

You dog.

You play with girls and I know that

You don't bother or care what happens to me. I know that.

You never wanted me. I know that.

I am a joke to you. I know that.

You think I am pathetic. I know that.

You will not be mine, even if it is for the briefest of periods. I know that.

I am sick.

Sometimes I ask cosmos to end whatever game it is playing with me and take you away. But she is the cruelest bitch I have ever met. Even you seem to back her. Why don't you tell me plainly what you think of me? Why do you play too?

Please spare me. I am not built for your stupid games. Please end your games.

I give you 5 days. 5 days and then you are out. I need specific answers and I can't stand not knowing.

You went and became best friends with my best friend, who dumped me for you. I should hate you for that.

You rub the fact that you have a girlfriend, in my face; whenever you meet me. I should hate you for that.

You played me, flirted with me and manipulated me. I should hate you for that.

I really can't take this anymore. I go mad whenever I think of all this. People say that you are bad and I know it is true but then why do I always find you weak and vulnerable and am moved to help you only to be proved wrong every time.

When I see you now, I realise that you have changed. I don't know but I hope you have become better. I hope that you get all that you ever wanted in your life and I hope you are happy.

I seriously hope that we don't meet ever again because that will break me forever and I don't want YOU of all people to see my weakness. I showed it once and I am still paying for it, right?

Why did you inform me on your own that you broke up with your girlfriend?

You know everything about me, don't you? Then why don't you just take pity on me and leave me alone? Do you enjoy making me endure your presence, which is actually unattainable?

Every time I think I have gotten over you, you come into my life, make me get used to you and vanish again. You don't have any idea how many broken pieces do I have to pick up before I am able to move on-again and again. But why am I even cribbing? You won't be listening for me anywhere. You are busy with the people you think deserve to be in your life.

You will never see this. Thank God for that. Cause if you did , you would probably laugh at my face and joke about me, the stupid girl, with your friends. A geek. A nerd. An "intelligent girl" who was not so intelligent after all. Great party jokes.

I know I am not the best-looking girl around; I don't have a figure to die for nor do I have the most charming personality; not the most brainy; not elegant or graceful; not smart.

In short, not your type.

I knew you were being polite as we were colleagues and we would need each other's help to survive the cabinet but then why did I try to find a deeper meaning in every harmless flirtation? I must have been so brainless. I don't even exist in your life. I am an occasional liability to be borne so that you can reap benefits at the correct time. Can't I ever be your friend? Am I that bad and ugly?

I am requesting you; if you ever plan on coming back to my life, please bring the answer to my questions. I can't talk without knowing anything about you.

I wish I could die one day just to be able to see how do you react to my death and know what you think of me.

I can connect almost every single small thing to you somehow and while I cry missing those few moments I had, I smile thinking of the joy it somehow still manages to give me.

But this time, I am going away and I don't want you to call me back. I know I am the one who gets restless but I must learn to let you go. I will have to forget you. You are nowhere at fault. I pushed you away every time and what I felt was just a repercussion to my unsolicited rejection. I won't bother you anymore. Please do go and lead a nice, rich, happy life with the girl of your dreams and let her never break your heart. You are a good person really and I consider myself lucky having been able to see that goodness. All the best. Wherever you are, however you are. I know I can never do anything to redeem myself in your eyes and so I give up.

I remember every single detail about you and the knowledge of the same fact hurts all the more. You don't even know my birthday..You never called me back when I wanted to go out of your life. You never asked me the reason why I wanted to go.

YOU LET ME GO.

If you don't want me, I accept it. I won't bother you. GOODBYE.

But you should promise not to make it hard for me by trying to pretend that nothing ever happened and our history is a clean slate.

Good luck on your new life with my best friend. She knew about us. But still—I guess that's life.

I wish her the best too.

I am the fool who loses everything and I see it firsthand.

GOODBYE before I forget you forever.

I HAVE ALREADY GIVEN YOU WHAT I CAN NEVER EXPECT YOU TO GIVE ME BUT I SOMEHOW STILL WANT YOU TO KEEP IT BECAUSE BELIEVE IT OR NOT I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO TAKE IT FROM YOU AND GIVE IT TO ANYBODY ELSE.

I hope that someday somewhere somehow you will be suddenly reminded of me and when you realise I am not there with you, you give a sad smile and say something- something which points to a place of existence of mine in your life.

I know it is asking for too much but we are allowed to HOPE. Hope is what keeps the world going and me enduring.

Therefore, I want you to take a stand on where we stood; where we stand and where do you want me to stand.

I know you don't consider me important enough to do that but a solid reaction from you might at least help me to build back my life, away from you.

I have to find happiness somewhere else and for that I need to be freed from you. And I have to do that myself. I don't care, cosmos, how many times you make us bump into each other, indicating or explaining things I don't even want to know anymore but you should know you are not allowed to play with me anymore.

GOODBYE.

I HOPE WE NEVER MEET AGAIN.

HERMIONE GRANGER


End file.
